I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
