I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
