I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
