I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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