Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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