I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
