it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
