how can u be prego again
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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