My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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