and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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