i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize