I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
