Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
