Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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