You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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