In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
