one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
