Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize