Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
