matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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