I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
