i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
