ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
