We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
