I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
