I want to walk on stilts...naked
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
