"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
