I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize