My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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