Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
