I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
