you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
