I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
