T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
