She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
