I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
