I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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