we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
