He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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