I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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