So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
