coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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