yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
it's like iHOP with fire
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
