so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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