peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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