Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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