I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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