i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
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