dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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