She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
