ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
