Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
