Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
