i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
