Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
