when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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