very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
