I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
