You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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