so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
