I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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