Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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