Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
